since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
