i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
