the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
