so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
