I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this just has baby written all over it
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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