Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
