Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
