He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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