You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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