That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
