So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
