Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
