So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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