went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
