Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
