Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
