see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
