Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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