i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
