take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
