the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
