consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
