dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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