who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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