this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Im part way to drunk.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
