there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
