i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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