I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
