Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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