Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
In other news, I just burned my penis
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
