So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Fuck appropriateness.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
