Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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