took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
