Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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