I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
