i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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