I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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