the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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