I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
