Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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