I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
