i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
