I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
