Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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