I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
