I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
