I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
