also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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