Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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