Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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