I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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