if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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