I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
