i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
