bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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