I didn't shave. On purpose
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
