he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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