Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
