My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
God, I missed his penis.
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