Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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