Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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